tuesday 24 august

Oh, I got goosebumps on this day. There are 2 different paths, and one is going to be where you fall into some magical situation that helps you see you are getting closer to your dream. Something connects or someone comes in to see you and to help you put something into place. A dream is to make landing, and this is to send you off into lala land at how AMAZING things just became.  You will see that life feels hella different and like you are stoked to get going with what you thought was too damaged to bear fruit. 

Well, hello loves! It's time to be surprised with corner turns that connect you finally. 

OTHERS are going to be so emotional and feeling like something is wrong with them or they can't handle life. JUST BE AWARE that you are in a very important time that is about pulling into yourself because things are too hard to bear, and really settling in to surrendering and just breathing and just letting it all go. It can feel so messy in your brain that you want to give up – and you ARE TO; you are to stop acting like an old world player, and step into the new world vibe where you STOP when your body does not feel good. STOP and go cuddle in bed or go for a hike or sit against a tree and meditate and write and draw -- and do NOT do what you were doing. 

In 2005 I was living in Oakland when I was still in the decade of where I didn’t have more than $5 to my name at all times. I could NOT get out of the gutter. But I had my 700 pages of channeled astrology from 1999 that was just on a file and still not being seen. And I kept getting fired for my spicy Italian personality and family genes that forced me into coming on strong when things feel wrong. I remember this one guy threatened me or grabbed me, I can't remember which it was now, and I, lightning speed, was inches from his face, where I even was on tippy toes to be right there, with eyes viscous and said, you don’t get to fuck with me. And he didn’t. Actually, he never even looked at me again, but I did get fired a few days later by the misogynist owner.

Anyway. I would always sit on this hill against a tree at the Dimond District park in West Oakland. Which wildly, the tree was struck by lightning and fell down right before I came for a visit a few years later. But I would go there every day and just write or sit there and watch all the things going on down in the park. But I was miserable at that time. I knew I had this gift, but no one was seeing me, and I couldn’t support myself and it was so hard to just keep going and struggling. But I did. And for like 14 years.

And one thing that happened that showed me how valuable that time was in the big picture was that one time I was down walking in the park and met this black boy of about 8 and he was like, are you the woman who always writes at the tree? What are your writing?! And I was like, ohhh, I just write whatever. I talk to myself. I write poetry. I talk things out. I write about the awesome things I see going on in the park, like with you and your friends. I draw. It feels good to just get it out and see what comes from inside of me. And he responded that he didn’t know you could do that. Like, sit and write besides it being for school. I can still see him bewildered, saying, I didn’t know you could do that!

And it was so powerful because it opened his eyes and also finally answered what he was so curious about because he saw me often and I was there daily. For so long he was like what could she be doing??

But. The universe put him in my path, they put all the things in our paths. And it's really on us to see that this is something important down the way and it just needs you fully participating in this moment and being here now with whatever is your journey. 

Speaking of journeys. I was born forceps late-stage birth, with a mother drugged unconscious and 100% NOT into having this baby. So, I got NO connection to mama, who wanted me as far away from her as possible. And when I look at the sum of my life, not just the beginning, but I would say 75% of it has been unbearably hard. Where I’m constantly trying to hold on and keep from falling off a cliff. Even as a child I was always trying to kill myself. I was always like, I can't do this, it is too hard not being loved. I’m a Pisces! -- But I never did give up. And even when with absolutely nothing, I still held onto the dream that one day people would love me and see how special I am.

And look at me now. So, look within you and see through the unbearable storms, with years that keep dragging on, and know that if you stay so low for so long in your life, it is creating a savings account for your future where it will be beyond what anyone around you will be living. I know I am in a place where I will never leave. I am LOVED under Taos Mountain. She is the best Mama ever and I will never leave from under her wing. But I had no idea this gift would come. I had no idea that it could get THIS GOOD. I had no idea that one day I would look back into my past and see that NOTHING was wrong, as it all earned me these savings account dreams. 

So go sit against a tree and just be. You ARE influencing. You ARE making a difference in something. And you WILL get to a higher peak in the near future that gives you inspiration to keep on believing in the co-creation of your new life. The Universe has your back, but you need to get out of the old-world ways of seeing how you need to function on the journey up the mountain. You are doing okay! And tears SHOULD be falling because they are clearing old memories that are keeping you focused on the pain. See for the dream that is the antithesis to the pain. It will arrive one day up ahead sooner than you think.